How and when

Please don't misrepresent this as being ungrateful or hateful. It's more of a vent than anything else.

Last year I had what I thought was a good audition for La Danse. In the first audition round I wasn't cast in anything, which disappointed me greatly. There were people who were cast who I felt were weaker technicians than I, much less performance experience, yet they were cast. I got over it. Luckily I was chosen for another piece in round 2, which was a blast!
I made sure to meet with my professors and ask for feedback on my audition. And I took those to heart.

Here we are a year later. I've worked hard, I've lost a little weight, though still injured I am able to work a little better through it since I know what triggers worse pain for me. I felt good for the past few weeks of the auditions (including last night). Results were posted today...out of 4 pieces and 2 auditions, I was chosen for 1.

Though VERY grateful for that, I'm still pretty damned disappointed in myself. So do I set my goals too high for myself? There are those few who amazingly were cast in all sorts of pieces. I'm trying to see what they do to get seen and have attention drawn to them, but I just don't see it,
and what I do see I don't like, so I refuse to go that road.

When does one become the performer they wish to be? HOW does one achieve that status? After years of hard work, I am still plagued with injuries. And though I'm working through them, they're still there. Hindering me. Was I not picked because of those injuries? Am I too heavy in their eyes? Do I really need to be where I'm at? Is this the path for me, when I can't seem to impress the local faculty?

These are very real questions that go through my head. Being a performing artist is hard. SOMEONE has to like what you do in order to get work. If you're a choreographer, and someone in the venue doesn't like your work (or in my case, school) then guess what..that piece is not seen. I am living proof of that from this past school year. My piece was viewed as too controversial, etc., so therefore it was not allowed to be shown. And a grade I need to graduate is dependant upon this piece and a rework of it.

If someone doesn't like the way I look that day, or perhaps they can't get past the weight issues (though i'm well past getting over it..as it's FINALLY starting to come off...slowly but surely), I don't get work.

So what is to be done? Continue the hard work and just accept things like they are? Continue the hard work and hope it's recognized? Fuck the hard work and just give up? Well the last isn't an option for me.

I've earned the grades in my classes to get this degree, so there has to be SOMETHING there that I'm contributing, but what exactly? If I'm not good enough to make these pieces, then why am I given A's in my dance classes?

I want to leave a legacy. I want to be needed. I want to have something that a choreographer needs and wants in their work, and I just don't feel I fit that bill, yet I don't know how to achieve it.

To make matters worse, the one piece I was selected for conflicts with my one teaching job. Do I accept the piece and forget about the teaching job, when it's much needed money and a commitment I've already made? Do I decline the role, continue the job, and hope I'm not chastized later on in the department because of it?

So how does one surpass feeling good about an audition, without being cast, and continuing on? I want a long career in this, and believe me I know I won't be picked for everything. But how do I become, at the very least, a contender?

All people, but especiall artists, go through these slumps and boy i'm in a big one. I just don't feel like my choreographic work is good, and I feel like my body is in a war with itself. I'm tired of hearing the excuses,"well melinda you're injured...that's why blah blah blah." Well let ME deal with my fucking injuries as I have to do on a daily basis. i know the day is coming to where hopefully my foot will be healed, but until then it's BEYOND Frustrating. I'm still performing and jumping and turning despite the pain, and doing my best to hide it. So continue to let ME deal with it. If I'm good at anything, it's learning how to deal with injuries in a profession that is dependent on my body.

I'm also not looking for any sympathy or pats on the back. I just want to be a good, successful artist. But not only good in my eyes, but good in the artistic communities eyes. I want to contribute to it. I want to make work that moves people. I want to perform and be considered a strong dancer with a strong foundation. How do I contribute and achieve these things, AND become successful? How do I climb the ladder when I feel like I'm giving it all that I have?

This rock and a hard place is giving me a severe headache. Any feedback is welcomed.